When Things Get Better

Normalizing the Fear of Shifting Family Dynamics  

As a psychotherapist, I regularly witness something that surprises many clients: the moment when change—real, deep, longed-for change—finally begins to take shape, and instead of bringing instant relief, it brings unexpected discomfort. A boundary is set, a role is stepped away from, a healthier communication pattern is practiced, and instead of peace, what arises is fear. Sometimes it’s guilt, sadness, confusion, or even grief. And one of the most common questions I hear in those moments is: Why does it feel worse when things are starting to get better? 

Why Familiar Feels Safer 

The answer lies in how we’re wired for familiarity; neurobiologically that is. In families, this plays out through systems—unspoken agreements, roles, and emotional patterns that shape how each member operates. Even when the dynamic is dysfunctional or painful, it's still familiar. And in human psychology, familiar often feels safer than healthy. Many of us have learned to survive within our family systems by taking on specific roles. Maybe we were the caretaker, the peacekeeper, the high-achiever, the scapegoat, the emotionally unavailable one. These roles are not random; they are responses to what the system needed to stay intact. They may require self-sacrifice, silence, over-functioning, or emotional repression, but they created predictability; keeping the family in a kind of emotional balance, even if it wasn't a healthy one. 

The Ripple Effect of Personal Change 

So when one person in the family begins to change—when they start to heal, seek therapy, express needs, or stop doing emotional labor—it creates a ripple effect. What once was predictable becomes uncertain. The system can feel destabilized, and that destabilization doesn’t just affect others—it affects the person doing the changing. Many find themselves asking— “If I’m not the one holding it all together, who am I?” “If I stop overextending myself, will they still love me?” These internal dilemmas are powerful and disorienting. Healing, it turns out, often doesn't feel like relief—at least not at first. It feels like disruption. 

Growth Feels Hard Before It Feels Easy 

There’s a paradox in personal and relational growth that is not talked about enough: things can get emotionally harder before they feel easier. The early stages of change can stir up anxiety, grief, and loneliness. It is common to feel disoriented, especially when relational dynamics shift. Some people find that when they stop over-functioning, others don’t step up. When they begin setting boundaries, others respond with anger or confusion. When they choose honesty over harmony, they may feel isolated. These aren’t signs that the change is wrong. They’re signs that the change is real. 

The Pull of Homeostasis 

Another reason this process feels so fraught is because family systems, like all systems, seek homeostasis—the tendency to return to the “normal” state, even if that state is unhealthy. When you start behaving differently within the family, others may unconsciously try to pull you back into the role you used to play. It might sound like, “You’ve changed,” or “You’re being selfish,” or “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” These reactions often aren’t malicious. They’re responses to the discomfort your growth creates within the system. Still, they can be deeply painful and make you doubt your progress. 

In these moments, it’s important to remind yourself: growth does not require permission. You are not betraying your family by healing. You are not selfish for setting boundaries. You’re not cruel for wanting something different. You are simply asking the system to evolve with you. And even if others aren’t ready or willing to change, your healing is still worth pursuing. 

It is also important to name what often goes unspoken: growth comes with grief. When we shift family dynamics, even for the better, we often grieve the closeness that dysfunction used to simulate. We may mourn the loss of a role that, while burdensome, gave us a sense of purpose or identity. We may grieve the version of the family we hoped for, or the connection we once felt when we stayed silent, compliant, or emotionally available at our own expense. These losses are real and deserve to be honored. 

Supporting Yourself Through Change 

So how do we support ourselves in the face of all this complexity? First, by normalizing the discomfort. Just because you feel guilt or fear doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it likely means you’re stepping out of a role that’s no longer serving you. Second, seek support. Whether it's through therapy, trusted friends, or communities that understand systemic change, or all of the above, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Third, return to your values. When the fear creeps in, ask yourself: What am I choosing instead? Am I acting in alignment with the kind of relationship I want to build—with myself and with others? 

Self-compassion is key throughout this process. Change doesn’t happen in a straight line. You may find yourself slipping into old patterns or questioning your progress. That’s part of the work. And finally, make space for grief. Allow yourself to acknowledge what you’re letting go of, even if it wasn’t healthy. You’re allowed to miss what you’ve outgrown. 

The Legacy of Liberation

In the end, this work is about liberation. Not just for yourself, but potentially for future generations. When you begin to challenge old patterns, you make it possible for others—children, siblings, even parents—to relate in new ways.

Sometimes people rise to meet the shift and other times, they don’t. But either way, your decision to grow is a courageous act of self-respect. It takes strength to disappoint others in order to be true to yourself. It takes clarity to stop rescuing or absorbing or fixing. And it takes immense compassion to do all of that without hardening your heart. 

If you’re in the process of shifting family dynamics and it feels scary, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human—and you’re evolving. Let that be a signpost that you're walking the path of real change. Your discomfort isn’t a red flag. It’s a natural response to doing something new. Something brave. Something better. 

Healing is an invitation—to yourself, and to those around you—to move toward something more whole, more honest, and more sustainable.

References

Ahmed, B. (2024). The dynamics of family structures in modern society: shifting patterns and evolving definitions. Liberal Journal of Language & Literature Review, 2(01), 55-56.  

Cassinat, J. R., Whiteman, S. D., Serang, S., Dotterer, A. M., Mustillo, S. A., Maggs, J. L., & Kelly, B. C. (2021). Changes in family chaos and family relationships during the COVID-19 pandemic: Evidence from a longitudinal study. Developmental psychology, 57(10), 1597.  

Chernata, T. (2024). Personal boundaries: definition, role, and impact on mental health. Personality and environmental issues, 3(1), 24-30.  

Gouveia, R., & Castrén, A. M. (2021). Redefining the boundaries of family and personal relationships. In The Palgrave handbook of family sociology in Europe (pp. 259-277). Cham: Springer International Publishing. 

Wampler, K. S., & Patterson, J. E. (2020). The importance of family and the role of systemic family therapy. The handbook of systemic family therapy, 1, 1-32.